On Sunday, February 23rd, we found out we were going to have a baby...
And on Thursday, February 27th, the doctor confirmed that I was having a miscarriage.
I feel broken. My heart, my body, everything. Just broken.
I know so many people deal with this every day but really never thought it would happen to us. I don't think anyone ever does.
After our last few doctors appointments regarding my PCOS, we actually thought having a baby on our own was very slim so when we got the 4 positive pregnancy tests, we were shocked. Because I was having some spotting and cramps, the doctors fit me in Monday morning and I got in the ultrasound chair and planned on seeing a little raspberry on the screen. If my dates added up right I should have been 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The ultrasound lady warned me that we might not see anything, but when she kept moving around and moving around and nothing popped up and she wasn't saying anything, I knew something was wrong.
They moved me to a room where I waited on my doctor and he told me that this still could go either way - it could be good or bad. My dates could be off (I am extremely irregular!) and I could just be really early or it could have been a chemical pregnancy or even a miscarriage. They drew my HCG and progesterone and we would just wait.
Tuesday morning I got the results that my progesterone was a little low but my HCG was still elevated so there was still a chance that everything was ok. Then Tuesday night I went upstairs like usual to get ready for bed, stopping in the bathroom first. There was alot of blood. Like alot. I knew it wasn't good but still had a small bit of hope inside of me. Wednesday I had my HCG drawn again but the blood just kept on and on and on. Worse than any bleeding I'd had before even with my heavy periods. I finally called the nurse Wednesday afternoon and she said it didn't sound good, but we would confirm with my blood work when it came back the next morning.
Thursday morning she called me and said it was true. All the bleeding was me miscarrying. We were losing our baby. Even though I knew it was a possibility all along, it was still the hardest thing to hear.
We are still drawing blood every few days now to make sure my HCG goes back down to normal. If not, there's a chance I'll have to have a D&C. The last result showed it was at a 7 so its making its way back down and hopefully will be at a 0 soon. I already had an appt scheduled with my doctor for next Thursday for my yearly exam so that's when I'll go back to discuss everything that happened and get a new plan in place for starting our family.
Last week was hell. The not knowing, the urge to tell people I was pregnant, but couldn't because I had no idea if it would last, the heartache. It was hell. You really don't understand this kind of pain until you have been through it. My heart has broken for couples when I read their stories, but experiencing it yourself just takes it to a whole new level.
My support system has been amazing through this last week though. My husband really stepped up even though he was hurting too. We broke the news to family and friends and even though most didn't know what to say, it was ok. Texts, phone calls, and even deliveries of cupcakes and diet coke showing up on my front porch - everyone was so supportive.
Even though the pregnancy was a surprise and we really weren't "planning" on it, the minute you see the word pregnant pop up on the digital screen on the test, your life is changed. Our life was changed. We lost a baby.
Like I said on instagram, I'm not posting this for anyone to feel sorry for us or for apologies. I'm documenting this story on my blog for our memories. Memories of our first angel baby. And for prayers. Prayers for God to heal our hearts and for Him to bless us one day and be able to welcome our rainbow baby in to our lives.