Monday, July 1, 2013
I've never really talked about mine and John's plans to have kids here on the blog... just because it's private and something we don't quite agree on just yet. We both want kids, but he'd rather wait a little longer than I want to. But we're talking about it and getting closer and closer to a compromise.
However, a few weeks ago, a big curve ball was thrown at us when I got a big POSITIVE on a pregnancy test. We weren't trying and for the most part, we were preventing.
I had felt sick for a whole week. Monday I got a horrible cold, was nauseous all week, I didn't eat hardly anything all week and was exhausted. It was still over a week before I was supposed to start my period so I honestly didn't even think anything of it. Friday I was still sick so it dawned on me that the nausea and not being able to eat could mean one thing... So I bought a test and pretty quickly it came back positive.
I didn't know whether to be excited or nervous or scared or sad. I was a little of all of them. I told John and he suggested I take more just to make sure and the second one I took that day came back negative and so did the third. I know false positives are rare so I knew it was still a possibility that it could have been right. So we waited until it was time to start my period. I never started so I took another one... negative again.
I called my doctor after being a week late and went in for a blood test last week. And a few days after that, almost 2 weeks late, I started my period.
During this whole time waiting, the small part of me that was happy at that moment it said positive, grew bigger and bigger and more and more hopeful it was right. So, when I started my period I felt like a little piece of me broke inside.
As much as you feel like you aren't ready for something, when you think it's happening, your feelings change. As much as we thought we weren't ready to be parents or didn't have enough money saved or didn't have a big enough house, we would make it work. You never really know how ready you are for something until you are faced with it. I didn't think having one false positive pregnancy test would affect me like this.
And now I have to face the fact that my periods are getting irregular again... I wrote about my first dealings with PCOS at almost this exact time 2 years ago. After a long battle with birth control issues I was finally regular on my own and not having any symptoms. My cycles have gradually gotten a few days longer and longer the past few months and now this time it was almost 2 weeks longer. So here we go again with this process...
But trying to pull the positives out of this situation... it's forced me and John to sit and talk about what we want as far as kids go. We have definitely learned about compromise with this situation. And the good thing is, we're almost there. And John has been nothing but a support through this situation... Taking care of me when I was sick and exhausted and sad.
I haven't had much to blog about recently just because I've been kind of down in the dumps and I know I promised to be real and write real posts so that's why I'm sharing this. I want all of y'all to know why I haven't been around and I always find so much support from the blog world.
I am a firm believer in God's plan for us and I know when He's ready for us to be parents, it will happen. This wasn't our time so John and I are enjoying every minute of being together and enjoying each other before our world real does change one day.