Monday, March 3, 2014

Broken



On Sunday, February 23rd, we found out we were going to have a baby...

And on Thursday, February 27th, the doctor confirmed that I was having a miscarriage.

I feel broken. My heart, my body, everything. Just broken.

I know so many people deal with this every day but really never thought it would happen to us. I don't think anyone ever does.

After our last few doctors appointments regarding my PCOS, we actually thought having a baby on our own was very slim so when we got the 4 positive pregnancy tests, we were shocked. Because I was having some spotting and cramps, the doctors fit me in Monday morning and I got in the ultrasound chair and planned on seeing a little raspberry on the screen. If my dates added up right I should have been 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The ultrasound lady warned me that we might not see anything, but when she kept moving around and moving around and nothing popped up and she wasn't saying anything, I knew something was wrong.

They moved me to a room where I waited on my doctor and he told me that this still could go either way - it could be good or bad. My dates could be off (I am extremely irregular!) and I could just be really early or it could have been a chemical pregnancy or even a miscarriage. They drew my HCG and progesterone and we would just wait.

Tuesday morning I got the results that my progesterone was a little low but my HCG was still elevated so there was still a chance that everything was ok. Then Tuesday night I went upstairs like usual to get ready for bed, stopping in the bathroom first. There was alot of blood. Like alot. I knew it wasn't good but still had a small bit of hope inside of me. Wednesday I had my HCG drawn again but the blood just kept on and on and on. Worse than any bleeding I'd had before even with my heavy periods. I finally called the nurse Wednesday afternoon and she said it didn't sound good, but we would confirm with my blood work when it came back the next morning.

Thursday morning she called me and said it was true. All the bleeding was me miscarrying. We were losing our baby. Even though I knew it was a possibility all along, it was still the hardest thing to hear.

We are still drawing blood every few days now to make sure my HCG goes back down to normal. If not, there's a chance I'll have to have a D&C. The last result showed it was at a 7 so its making its way back down and hopefully will be at a 0 soon. I already had an appt scheduled with my doctor for next Thursday for my yearly exam so that's when I'll go back to discuss everything that happened and get a new plan in place for starting our family.

Last week was hell. The not knowing, the urge to tell people I was pregnant, but couldn't because I had no idea if it would last, the heartache. It was hell. You really don't understand this kind of pain until you have been through it. My heart has broken for couples when I read their stories, but experiencing it yourself just takes it to a whole new level.

My support system has been amazing through this last week though. My husband really stepped up even though he was hurting too. We broke the news to family and friends and even though most didn't know what to say, it was ok. Texts, phone calls, and even deliveries of cupcakes and diet coke showing up on my front porch - everyone was so supportive.

Even though the pregnancy was a surprise and we really weren't "planning" on it, the minute you see the word pregnant pop up on the digital screen on the test, your life is changed. Our life was changed. We lost a baby.

Like I said on instagram, I'm not posting this for anyone to feel sorry for us or for apologies. I'm documenting this story on my blog for our memories. Memories of our first angel baby. And for prayers. Prayers for God to heal our hearts and for Him to bless us one day and be able to welcome our rainbow baby in to our lives.



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25 comments:

Julie said...

I know you weren't posting this for sympathy but you have mine. I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know if you are aware but us PCOS gals have more chance of miscarriage. In the future, you might need to be on progesterone to help with a pregnancy. *hugs* to you both.

Jessica said...

Although no words can touch how you are feeling, know that you and your husband are in my thoughts.

Savannah Pyron said...

Praying for healing hearts, friend.

Lauren said...

Praying for your family, sweet girl! I can't imagine what you are going through!

Jamie said...

So very sorry for you and your husband! I wish healing for you both.

Kristan Bartlett said...

One of the most unbearable pains, I hope you are able to take care of yourself and find strength, peace and healing.

3adoptedkids said...

I am so sorry sweet girl...You are so special Praying for you and John Love you!!!

Genna said...

Oh Savanah, I am praying. God is great than any trial!! My heart aches for you, but I know He has a plan. Cling to that and all will be well (even though it may not seem like it right now)!

Ashley said...

Ugh I'm soo sorry you have to go through this!!! Devastating loss!!! After 4 years of infertility, it doesn't get easier. The negatives only sting more! But my RE pointed out one good thing! Your body can get pregnant, now you need to figure out how to stay pregnant! My fingers are crossed for you!! Sorry for your loss!!

Syndal said...

So so sorry Sav..thinking of you guys!

Carolyn said...

I'm so sorry! I'm so glad that you have a good support system and an awesome husband. I'm thinking about you guys!

Erin @ Keep Calm and Sparkle said...

My heart breaks for you guys. So glad you have an awesome support system and a amazing hubgs to boot!! Thinking and praying for you guys!
XoXo

Darby Hawley said...

Oh Savannah, I did not want to read this almost as much as you did not want to write this I'm sure. I'm so sorry for your loss and I truly sympathize with that pit of brokenness that you're struggling through right now. I'm very close to you, so let me know if you're up for meeting for coffee and chatting. We're praying for you and John!

Allie @ Tales of a TwentySomething said...

Oh Savannah. I'm praying for you and John and for your family.

Melissa said...

I am so sorry, girl. I don't know if you saw on your instagram but i am going through this too. Your story is very similar to mine. I went in last Thursday for my first ultrasound & they didn't see anything. They thought it was ectopic. I went home & read online that it is not unusual to not see anything at 6 weeks. I prayed & believed all weekend. But yesterday in the early morning hours i started bleeding & cramping. i went in for another u/s & i am miscarrying. It is the worst thing. I am devastated. Praying for you. So sorry y'all are going through this too. :(

Kristine said...

I'm thinking of you and John. I can't even imagine what you guys are going through. Keeping you guys in my prayers!

Suze said...

I am so sorry. I'll be thinking of and praying for you and your healing.

Jayme said...

I am heartbroken for you and so sorry you have to go through this. When the time is right there will be another perfect baby and you'll always hold the memory of your angle baby close to your heart. Sending you my thoughts for healing and comfort through this difficult time.

Vicki P said...

Oh girl, my heart is breaking for you and John. I wish I could just give you the biggest hug! Been thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers! Love you both! xoxo

Tricia Nae said...

Oh girl...I am so so sorry. Praying for healing and blessings.

Erin said...

Lifting prayers for you, your husband and your angel baby. I know God has big, amazing things in store for your future family. You're love and drive to be a mama and have a family is so much bigger than the PCOS.

Sarah H said...

I love reading everyones comments. So much love for you and John. Praying for you both.

Jenny Strickland said...

I follow you on IG. (From a link up hosted by Wifestyles)
My heart breaks for you. My husband and I will be praying for y'all! We too know this pain. And words don't even begin to take away the pain but if you need to talk, vent, or cry, I am here for you!

Ashley R said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I am glad you are surrounded by people who can care for you and help you through! My heart is with you too.

Valerie said...

Savanah, I am so, so sorry to hear this!!! I know what you are going through and it sucks! Please know that time will heal some of this pain, but there will always be a little piece of you that aches to hold that little angel baby in your arms. (And that's okay!) I know sometimes it feels like no one else in the world knows what you are going through. Please know that I will always be hear to listen if you ever need anyone to talk to! PCOS sucks!!!

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